Motivation Monday – Blog blocking

^^^^ like cock blocking but in the blog sense lol

I am now a member :)

My head is still all over the place – which I’m sure this post will be too- don’t get me wrong I’m not cuddled up on the sofa sobbing every day it’s more that I have so much to write about AND think about AND do that I’m struggling to get my thoughts written out… Aside from that by the time I find the time to write them I’m either feeling good and almost wanting to avoid thinking about it all over again… Or I’m just Blimmin shattered
The other thing killing my blogging vibe is my eye…I had an eye test last week and he said that one eye has improved while the other has gotten slightly worse- actually it’s the eye that usually feels the full force of my migraines so I assume with it working overdrive to see through an out of a 2 year old prescription that’s more than likely causing them – not to mention the usual stress/hormone headaches and change in heat adding to them.

Work is still going great by the way, I’m insured to drive the van so have been driving this massive thing around – if they witnessed my attempts to park a normal sized car I’m pretty sure they wouldn’t have agreed to it lol but anyway that means that I’m now driving at least 3 times as much as usual and straining my eye a lot more too… So obviously once home the last thing I feel like doing is staring at a screen and pushing them even further – unfortunately this includes reading the eBook I was (and still am) looking forward to.

Lately my arm is giving me jip too. We rented a car a few weeks back…for a whole month as apparently hard braking takes its toll on my brake pads lol, his car has gone to the little scrap heap in the sky so he’s been driving mine the short distance to work and I’m in charge of the rental until my new pads/discs arrive… However the way I’ve been sitting must be different as my elbow is feeling it now, along with passing out every night in dodgy sleep positions AND a nice incident with my bosses wheelchair ramp adding to it so the idea of bending it to type a full blog post doesn’t thrill me lol. I’m keeping that bad boy straight every chance I get.

Are you convinced by all that? Still wondering the real reason I’ve been gone? Damn you…knowing me too well lol…Of course the above really is pissing me off and physically affecting my blogging life but the elephant in the room for me right now would be our anniversary which is 2 weeks away. Its our one year anniversary of marriage…and every time I think about it I cry :/ I am anxious as hell about ‘celebrating’ a year of surviving marriage and avoiding divorce…when we only just managed to do that! It makes me feel like a fake, it reminds me of the shit we have been through and the closer the day comes the more emotionally unstable I get. I talked it out in counselling last week and I WILL get around to writing about it fully now that me feelings on it are a little clearer and less confused. PINKY PROMISE.

Cake #3

So what on earth have I been doing?… Well instead of blogging I’ve been spending time with hubby, planning his birthday stuff, getting creative with presents and practicing cake decorating. The last one (double layer cake) was taken into his work and prompted a request for a pink, flowery cake for a workmates wife – which I was thrilled (and a little bit proud) about…until I realised its for the day after hubbys birthday lol so this week I will be making 2 cakes from scratch and decorating them ready for the weekend…wish me luck.

For one of his presents I’ve decorated a jar and printed off a few (personal) positive genuines on little strips of paper so when he’s feeling shit he can read a few of them – simple idea and many of the positives are simple too but hopefully it will help him remember that his positive things each day don’t need to be materialistic or big… little things work too; also maybe reading some of the things I feel I would be happy about in his situation will make him realise them too.

I have to say writing them was difficult in itself; Before everything happened I had written him a letter listing all the things I loved about him/us so I figured I could use most of those in the jar…but reading them back made me sad…a lot of it was about how I could trust him or how genuine he was…(I actually cringed reading them back :/) so I’ve had to start from scratch and find positive spins on the usual traits and adapt them to suit him…it was sad…BUT it was also quite good for me to do that because it made me realise them too, of course there are good things about him which I love! Silly Beth! …now I have a whole list to remind me on the shit days too lol.

My Happy Book :)

Speaking of which I now have a brand spanking new HAPPY BOOK :D My last blog spent quite a bit of time telling the stories from my little book of happiness, a book full of quotes, sayings, photos…things stuck in…anything which I had experienced that left me smiling for days and which would bring back that smile the instant I read/saw them on one of the pages. After everything came out this year a fair bit of that happy book seemed tainted and void, not much of that happy stuff was genuine (i.e. stuff relating to my husband) and so the book had the opposite effect whenever I opened it…as did my blog…and so i got rid of both of them…and that was shit…like…REALLY shit. What made things even worse was when that friend of mine fucked off -again tainting many of the happy things from that book so there really wasn’t much good left in it :/ Well, seeing as I have now got into the habit of finding positives, getting out and about…pretty much making new…REAL, untainted memories I figured it was time to start a fresh book and fill it with goodness. And so I did :)- and that alone makes me smile :) – maybe I will share some of them with you too.  (Pete you’re in the happy book btw)
Goals for this week

• BeetlyPete kindly did some research for places to send my Vinyl singles and on following up on his lead I now know where to take them. This man has kindly agreed to sort through them and see what they’re worth…the problem being that I can’t move them from one side of the room to the other…let alone in and out of my car and across the town (there are about 2,000 of them…that’s some heavy lifting lol) so I need to wait until hubby is off work at a time when the store is open so he can help me. It’s also at least an hours travel from me so planning is key… SO… Call him and tell him to hold his horses and figure out a date that we can go.
• I want to blog my arse off… so hopefully this week I can do that a little – depending on my arm/head…and of course whether its nice out or not as if it is then I will be enjoying that while I have the chance…so either of those will do. I do have some awards which need posting so hopefully I will get a chance to do those if not more :)
• Make not one but two fan-friggin-tastic cakes

PoGeHaGo

• I wore an outfit I wouldn’t usually go for this weekend…and I survived
• I got to write this…without getting a migraine
• Hubby and me had the day off together and had a nice meal in the garden of the place we got married